She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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