I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love you. Go after that dick
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