he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
