he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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