ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
