Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
accomplished twins. life is a go
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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