I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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