Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
