I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
