Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
