When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
