thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
