sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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