I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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