dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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