Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
