Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
