I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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