summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
