I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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