after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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