I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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