we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
