i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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