A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
