i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize