shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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