they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
