jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
