somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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