took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
