I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
