i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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