True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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