Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize