When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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