I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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