and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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