Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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