Where did you get a picture of my penis
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize