Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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