I think I died a long time ago.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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