I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
