No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
