Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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