Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
