You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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