I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
