if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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