i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They took my balls.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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