it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
