Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize