my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
