he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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