Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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