Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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