Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
