The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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